Monday, February 01, 2016

Uncomfortable Isn't Always a Bad Thing

I'm being bad right now. I have about a million little things I should be doing, but I have decided that to keep my sanity, I should spend a few minutes writing. I haven't done it in a little while and I can feel the inner pull to put words on paper or I guess in this case, on screen.

Lately I've been thinking about how I arrived in the place I am at. Never once growing up did I picture myself sitting forty-six stories up in a Manila Philippine's high-rise, or taking my morning run along the beaches of Rio de Janeiro. How on earth did I get here? I think back and realize that really,  it was just one choice, one little step after another that led me to where I am now. It's kind of a beautiful thing to think about. Our lives are a compilation of our choices. Some circumstances we can't control, but our choices are ours.

Last week I was in the massive Market Market shopping center with my son and his friend when I had a strange realization. We had just exited a taxi (which I had flagged down myself), paid the guy  (telling him to keep the change), and were headed for the escalator in search of the much anticipated birthday party destination LazerXtreme. We squeezed ourselves onto the escalator's crowded steps and as the machine rose I took a moment to look around me. I felt squished and uncomfortable, but it wasn't anything out of the ordinary for Manila, so I took a deep breath and just kept on going.

It occurred to me then that I have grown accustomed to being uncomfortable. I am out of my element most of the time. We move every two years or so to places I know very little about, sometimes to places where I can't understand anyone (our next move is in a year and a half and we don't even know where it will be yet!) and with each move, even after an adjustment period, it never feels completely like home because I know in just a little while we'll be taking off again.

Don't misunderstand me, I'm not at all complaining, just observing. Being uncomfortable and then moving forward anyway is a pretty remarkable feeling. It takes faith. Faith that we will all be okay and that the kids will adjust to their new settings. Faith that I'll be able to maintain a house and home in a way that allows the kids to feel security in a life that holds so much change for them. Faith that I can make new friends and feel connected to my community, even if I am often the "strange foreigner", faith that I'll be able to maintain relationships with the family and friends I've left behind, faith that I'll find my balance in whatever new situation I am handed.

Sometimes all this faith wavers a bit and I feel over-whelmed by everything. I miss home. I miss fresh, open air and dirt roads, and barbecues in the backyard while the kids chase fire-flies. I miss having family close by, and being able to call friends during the middle of the day (we are fifteen hours ahead of most of them). I miss the life we would have had if we had chosen a different path. It would have been much less stress, and comfortable and beautiful ... and yet, we didn't choose that path, we chosen this one. The road less traveled, if you will, it is the life we are living now and spending too much time dwelling on what might have been isn't always healthy.

Anyone who has chosen the type of life we have can relate to the feelings of missing home so much it hurts, and yet enjoying the incredible adventure of seeing the world. If we hadn't come, I wouldn't understand how very rich I am. I wouldn't understand how many people there are in the world with next to nothing. I wouldn't understand how many different faiths there are and the beauty that radiates from kind devoted believers of many religions. I wouldn't understand how it is possible to be dirt poor, and still find joy in life. How important good education is to a country's prosperity and how blessed I was to have medical care so readily available to me. I hear time and again of individuals who have died because they weren't able to afford proper medical care. Most importantly, I wouldn't understand how small the world really is, how connected we all are or can be. We are very different from each other, absolutely, but my faith tells me that we are all brothers and sisters, and we are all known.

I am so grateful for this opportunity to be uncomfortable. Dan told me the other day that I have changed since we left Alabama and started this new life. I was worried at first, because I don't really want to change. I want to remain close to everyone I knew before and not become a different person; but as I thought about his comment I realized that he is right. I have changed. And that it's not a bad thing. Much of my personality is the same, but I have become stronger and more confident through this experience. Constant vulnerability has helped me examine who I really am, and what I believe, and it has taught me how to move forward with the peace that comes from faith, even when I am unsure of the outcome. I hope some parts of me will never change, but I'm grateful for the chance to see the world, and learn more about myself in the process. Being uncomfortable is not always such a bad thing.



3 comments:

Unknown said...

We all change if we want to or not. I am not as far from home as you, but I still am far enough to feel the pull. I have not been in Oklahoma long enough for it to be home. I am beginning to understand that change comes in more or less one of only two ways; we can turn inward or outward. Inward seeking has many forms that vary from depression to narcissism. The root of it all is selfishness. Attitudes range from 'nobody understands me' to hatred and 'I wont let anyone, even God, tell me what to do'. From what I've seen and experienced, any of these attitudes invariably have the opposite effect from what is desired, misery instead of happiness. Outward change comes from humility and love for others. Outward seeking also has varied attitudes such as the desire to serve others, correct errors in our life, and to have faith/hope. Ultimately we need to make the conscious choice to trust in a higher power, accept that we can't live life perfectly on our own, but that with divine aid we can do all that is required. We are imperfect beings and mistakes are inevitable. We must refrain from retreating inward and instead seek for happiness outward. This is the only thing that I have found that brings peace to my life.

Liz Geiger said...

Great post Becki. I always love and appreciate your perspective on life :).

♥ N o v a said...

I was browsing through Blogger and stumbled upon yours.

I think that you are very fortunate to be living the life that you do, not having any idea of what the future has in store for your family, or even where you will be living in a few years from now -- I think that uncertainty on some level is a wonderful thing in that it allows you space for growth and creativity.

I find it interesting that you are living in Manila, my birthplace, and yet I know very little of actual life there, with the exception of time I have spent there on vacation. From what I do know, I would find it quite difficult to adjust living there, having been so accustomed to life in the U.S.

Anyway, cheers to you and your family. :-)