Too Kind

I’ve been thinking a lot today and I’ve had an epiphany of sorts. One that has drawn me to my humble laptop to clicka-clacka away and get it all out.

My conclusion is this: It is time for the “kind” people of the world to stop being so nice.

Now, before you go throwing all the “Do unto others…” lines at me, please allow me to explain.

I have been a “nice girl” all my life. I was raised by loving, christian parents who did their best to teach me right from wrong. I remember learning at a young age the power of patience and kindness when faced with bullies in my neighborhood. I had a friend who was very well developed for her age (nine years old and already a C cup…not an easy lot for a young girl). I don’t know if it was because of this, or because of her unique family situation -a story for another day- but she was teased a lot. I, being her loyal friend, fell right into the barrage of mean words and ridicule. I remember going to church after a particularly rough week, sitting pew by pew next to many of those same mean kids, with thoughts of revenge ripe in my mind. I had a sunday school lesson that week which taught of Christ-like kindness and I knew it was meant for me. I decided right then and there to turn the other cheek. I treated the mean kids with kindness and love; I pushed aside my anger and let humility take over. It worked. Within a few years, most of them had apologized to me. I felt triumphant about it. Kindness really had overcome all.

It was a great life lesson to take with me as I grew, and yet…somewhere along the way the old adage “turn the other cheek” morphed me into a sort of puppet. I was kind and happy all the time. Good…right? Yes, but to a point where I was afraid to say anything harsh at anytime to anyone. I wasn’t one to rock the boat, so I let life just happen around me and went with it, pulled about by the critical strings of those around me. That, right there is my point. Yes, kindness matters. Yes, a caring attitude is best. But there is a time and place where it is okay, necessary even, to break free of those strings and speak your mind.

Think about those who aren’t kind, who feed off of the weak. They ridicule and bully, to make themselves look better than someone...or even just for a laugh.

Is it doing the world any real favors for all the kind people to keep their mouths shut because it is the polite thing to do? Sometimes...maybe. But I suggest, that maybe our kindness is used in vein, when we fail to stand up against the jerks of the world.

Very recently a cousin of mine passed away. He was in his early twenties and he took his own life. I was added to a Facebook group honoring him and offering support to his family. He was much younger than I, and grew up far from me, so I am sad to say, that I didn’t know him well, but I read the remarks on his page, and I remember his fun personality as a child. I feel like I have a pretty good idea of the type of person he was. He was unique. He was an intelligent, fun, kind, ambitious, sci-fi loving kid. One who didn’t fit the “regular” mold the general population seems to think of as “normal.” I am sure we would have gotten along great. One statement posted on his page, really struck me.

It said, “Please share this page with family and friends, but please don’t add people from school who were mean to him.”  My heart sunk when I read that. I’ve never liked the whole “sticks and stones” saying. It’s a load of bull. Words do hurt. They damage something internal, something deep. Often we can’t even see how real the injury is until it is too late. Why is it, that some people are forced to suffer because of the harsh words of a few?

 I don’t believe the world is full of bad people. I believe it is full of a few bad ones who dish out cruelty, some in-between people who go along without much thought, and many kind souls who whether it be out of fear or just plain timid disposition, don’t take a stand and speak out. In high school, I was the latter. I wouldn’t be the one to start the gossip, but I wasn’t at all proactive about stopping it. I was kind, but I was weak.

I am saying now that kindness does not have to be weakness. Kind people can stand up for themselves and for others, and still be kind. They can call someone on their cruelty without having to think up some witty, genius reply, and it doesn’t have to be cruel. A simple, “You are being a complete jerk.” would suffice and it would go a long way with the person being bullied. It might even snap one of those “mean ones” back to the real world and make them see their behavior for what it really is.

I think back to my childhood experience. Yes, I chose to be kind instead of returning cruelty; but when I remember the experience, there is one person involved that made the difference to me. She wasn’t the star of the story, and so I had almost forgotten her role in the tale, and yet now that I think about it, her part was crucial. Her name was Kim and she’d been my friend for years. She wasn’t there for the beginning of the drama because she was visiting a friend in Arizona for a few weeks, but I distinctly remember her coming home. I was worried she might take the side of the other mean girls, because they were more popular and were her friends too, but she didn’t. In fact, on once occasion I remember her sticking up for me. She even put a few of them in their place. It was short and quick, and it gave me just enough self-esteem to continue on with my “kind” strategy. Yes, kindness won in the end, but it had a boost from another kind person who wasn’t afraid to speak her mind.

And so, today, I call on you kind ones. You are strong enough and you are worth it. Stand up for yourself. Stand up for others. I’m not preaching cruelty. I am preaching worth. Every life is important, including your own. Maybe the whole “sticks and stones” saying was meant to persuade us to thicken our skins a little. I hope so, because unfortunately mean people will continue be outspoken and wreak their damage. Social media and Internet make it even easier to do so with minimal consequence. Cruelty and gossip is not subject to children and high school alone. It is still alive and thriving throughout many aspects of our lives. Our own family members may be the culprits from time to time.

Don’t be so nice that you allow bullying to go unchecked. There will be times when silence is the best answer, but there will also be occasion to speak up. Stand up and be brave. Be truly kind to yourself and others by not putting up with it, otherwise we are not really being kind at all…we are just being…puppets.