I Never Thought I'd...

I really enjoy writing, and recently I have felt compelled to do more of it. While I was going through some of my old word documents, I found this essay I wrote in 2010 for a contest entitled, "I Never Thought I'd Be..."  I don't usually enter these kinds of things, but for some reason it seemed like a fun topic, so I wrote this little essay and sent it in. I didn't win, but I enjoyed the experience and I wanted to share the essay with you all! Some of you who have been keeping up with us for a while will recognize a few of these stories. Hope yo  u like it! Oh, and I have some great pictures to post soon!

I NEVER THOUGHT I’D……..be calling our home insurance agent to report a fourteen-hundred dollar light saber injury.

Motherhood has been full of many ups and downs, and since I’ve taken on the venture in 2003, I’ve heard things come out of my mouth that have made me question my sanity (and the sanity of my children too, might I add). You can imagine, I’m sure, the laughter that followed, after I explained to our agent, that our brand new, forty-six inch LCD screen had been taken down by one fatal blow of my then, two-year-old Owens, blue light saber. I wasn’t at all surprised when she replied, (with a sincere dose of sympathy) that our policy didn’t cover “Jedi attacks.”  Ah well, it was worth a try, right?

            The past seven years have been filled with the blessings of three energetic, healthy boys, and one beautiful little girl. My husband, Dan, and I agreed in the beginning of our marriage that we wanted four children, and we wanted them close together. We were lucky enough to get exactly that. What we hadn’t expected was to pick up an entirely new dialect along the way. We’ve tried not to “baby-talk” too much with our children, but there are words that inevitably slip out.  I laughed the first time I told Dan that I needed to use the “potty.” He responded with a sarcastic, “need any help?” Uh, thank you……no.

Other regulars we use in our day-to-day repertoire include: “night-night” for sleep, and a double, “no, no” when the kids are doing something taboo. At our house, if you get hurt, you have an “Owie,” and of course if you have an owie, you have to get a “kiss kiss.” We give “cuddles” and “snuggles” (always plural for some reason) every night, and when something is very exciting, it is “super fun!” Blankets are now “Blankies”, a pacifier is a, “binki” and apparently counting to three is a magical way of saying, “you’d better stop what you’re doing right now, or else!” (The number ‘one’ is useless though; you have to say a distinct ‘two’ and be on your way to ‘three’ before you get any results with this one.) Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in a never-ending, sugar-sweet re-run with a super cheesy, purple dinosaur. (I do have the theme song memorized, if you’d like to here it.)

            As if silly words weren’t enough……since becoming a parent, I have also produced some of the strangest sentences known to man. Last month, for instance, the boys came down for lunch, giggling like crazy, with their baby sister’s diapers on their heads, (don’t worry, they were unused!) and I heard myself declare,

“Boys! Take those diapers off your heads right now and wash up for lunch.” It made complete sense in context, but take a step back and repeat it again….yeah, it’s kind of weird. Some other classics:

“Owen, put the peas in you mouth, not your ears!” or,

 “Linc, your tooth brush is for cleaning your teeth, not the potty!” My oldest, who is a notorious teaser, was busy torturing his little brother one afternoon. I looked up from my computer, assessed the situation, and heard myself say,

“Logan, let go of your brothers eyelashes!”  Seriously?! Then there was my non-inhibited three year old (he’s five now) who would drop his pants instantly whenever he had to go to the potty. I said some pretty strange ones with him.

            “Lincoln, don’t pull your pants down till your in the bathroom!” or

            “Lincoln, stop peeing on the tree, you need to go inside to do that!” and the winner,

            “Lincoln Daniel, we do not play in the mud, naked! Get in here right now!”

When he was younger, Linc would strip down outside without warning. I was cooking dinner one evening while the boys were playing in the back. I peeked out to check on them, and saw Lincoln, buck naked, rubbing mud all over his body. Who knows what the neighbors were thinking when they heard me shout that one?

The list could go on and on.

"Butter knives are not for pirating!"
“Ellie, mascara is not chap stick!”

“Lincoln, you’ll get no more vegetables until you eat your pizza.”

“Logan, don’t wipe your nose on the couch!”

“Stop yelling!” (this one has to be shouted.)

 “Did you swallow it? I told you not to eat pennies!“

“Owen, don’t feed the goldfish oregano!” and one of my favorites,

“For the last time, we are not having popsicles for breakfast!”

It can be exhausting; but still, for my kids, I don’t think I’d want it any other way. This is their time to live in a carefree (semi- structured) environment, without any of the worries that will inevitably find them one day. To me, a funny phrase here or there makes me feel like I’m doing something right, because my kids are acting jut how they ought to act…….like kids!

Children have a way of bringing out the ‘kid’ in all of us (including an adult sized tantrum every now and then). They are energetic, smart, and ready to try anything. I would be lying if I said that everyday was easy; but even if I find my self uttering an absurd lyric from time to time, all I have to do is think back to my own childhood, and remember my mom, racing into the back yard, yelling at me, “No parachuting off the roof, get down right now!” (It was only a tool shed roof, but my blanky and I were still very disappointed) It helps me realize that all of the crazy phrases anyone who’s ever been a parent uses, contribute to the fun, magical childhood I believe every child deserves.  After all, these phrases are the things we remember.

Someday, sooner than I realize, one of my grown kids will doubtless call me to blow off steam after their own little one has flooded the upstairs bathroom by flushing a Jedi knight down the toilet; and you can bet, the first thing I am going to ask is…so, what did you say? Although, if it were Owen, my first line might actually be, “Oh really? Cause I remember back when you were two, you were the little Jedi, going around busting up fourteen hundred dollar television sets!” 

Okay, maybe I’ll be a little more sympathetic than that….maybe.